Peace Speaks Louder

There was a time holidays would completely expose me.

Not every year. But the years where brokenness spoke louder than love.

Holidays were and still can be exhausting internally.

I realize now it was not always reality. It was the lens I was seeing through.

Every interaction felt loaded. Every emotion became a question.

Am I accepted? Am I loved? Did I do something wrong?

I lived under so much pressure.

Pressure to get motherhood right.

Pressure for perfection. 

Pressure to hold everything together.

Somewhere along the way I began viewing myself through my children.

Their strengths felt like success. Their struggles felt like failure. Their choices affected my sense of worth more than I realized.

I tied my value to outcomes.

I needed validation more than I knew. 

Not because people were not loving me. But because abandonment and insecurity had trained me to constantly search for reassurance.

Feelings ruled me for years.

If I felt rejected, I believed I was rejected. If I felt forgotten, I believed I was forgotten. If I felt unworthy, I believed it was truth.

And honestly, it is exhausting living emotionally controlled all the time.

But something has changed in me.

Quietly. Deeply. Steadily.

Holidays feel different.

The fruit of peace has rooted.

I am no longer looking at every situation trying to decide if I am loved. I am no longer letting emotions manipulate my identity. I am no longer punishing myself for being human.

I think one of the greatest healings is finally becoming okay.

Okay with your past. Okay with your process. Okay with your children being individuals with their own journey. Okay with not controlling every outcome.

I still care deeply. I still love deeply. But I do not feel controlled anymore.

Small gestures mean more now. Peace feels louder than fear. And the need for constant validation is losing its grip.

Abandonment is losing its voice. Peace is finally speaking louder.

It is still a process. Still a challenge at times.

But now when those thoughts try to rise again, so do I.

(Note: this is an ongoing process for peace to speak louder for me. But, I do know the Prince of Peace and His word. I am Still Rising friends! How about you?)