When the Loudest Critic Lives Inside You

I had a deep revelation today.

Someone said that when a child grows up being criticized, eventually that criticism becomes her inner voice.

I just sat there.

Then the tears came.

Because I realized…

Kim has been Kim’s biggest critic.

I’ve spent so much of my life encouraging people.

Praising them.

Uplifting them.

Exhorting them.

Loving them.

Believing in them.

Calling out the good in them.

As I sat with the Lord today, I wondered if part of the reason is because those were the very things I needed myself.

I spent my life giving away what I longed to receive.

But then another thought came.

No matter how much encouragement I received from other people, it was never enough.

Not because people didn’t love me.

Not because they weren’t sincere.

But because nothing they said could ever be louder than the voice I heard inside.

My inner voice.

The voice that constantly found fault.

The voice that said I should have done better.

The voice that questioned if I was enough.

The voice that never seemed satisfied.

I don’t think I even realized it was there.

It had become so familiar that it sounded like me

.

Earlier today, I asked the Lord to show me the truth.

I asked Him to reveal any critical spirit in me that I couldn’t see.

I asked Him to remove anything that wasn’t from Him.

I assumed He was going to show me where I had been critical of other people.

Instead, He showed me where I had been critical of myself.

Everything suddenly made sense.

The fear.

The condemnation.

The constant pressure.

The feeling that no matter what anyone said, it never seemed to stick.

The enemy didn’t have to keep accusing me.

My inner voice had learned how to do it.

That realization broke my heart.

Not because I felt condemned.

But because I saw something I had never seen before.

I saw the little girl who learned to speak to herself the way she had been spoken to.

I saw how that voice followed me into adulthood.

I saw how it quietly shaped the way I saw myself, even while I was spending my life speaking life over everyone else.

Today, the Lord exposed that voice.

Not to shame me.

To free me.

I don’t know exactly what this journey will look like from here.

I just know that now I know what to watch.

That inner voice.

Every time it begins to criticize, condemn, or accuse, I want to stop and ask myself one question:

Is this the voice of my Father?

Because I have a feeling I’ve mistaken that voice for my own for far too long.

Today, the lie was exposed.

And that’s where freedom begins.